Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
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