Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
