Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
