I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
