barbara walters just said penis...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
