I wish my penis had an off switch
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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