What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
