you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
