Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
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I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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