Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
