I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
ttyl tear gas
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
