my room smells like sperm. sweet.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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