omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
