What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
