apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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