All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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