The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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