mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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