sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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