Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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