At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
