I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
