Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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