why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
