chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
