I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
