I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
