Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
