M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Randomize
