Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
