erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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