i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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