I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
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One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.