So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
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Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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