There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
