Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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