you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
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Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
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some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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