drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
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He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize