i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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