I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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