I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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