Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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