I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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