What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
