come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
