Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
