just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
