I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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