I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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