does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
