The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
