I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
