I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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