Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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