What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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