Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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