Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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